How Can Two People Who Say They Love Jesus Divorce?

Pastor Roger, I frequently hear about Christians divorcing.  How can two people who say they love Jesus Christ go ahead and divorce?

I, too, am saddened by this reality.  We believe that Jesus Christ makes a difference in the lives of those who trust Him as Savior.  I will do my best to answer this most difficult question.  Divorce between unbelieving mates is still sad, but at least we can understand how unregenerated hearts make such decisions.  It it most disconcerting, however, when two professed believers opt for divorce.

The reason that immediately comes to mind is due to the hardness of men's hearts.  Husbands and wives can harden their hearts toward the things of God, refuse to forgive one another and ultimately choose divorce.  They harden their hearts much the same way that Pharaoh hardened his heart toward the Israelites regarding their exodus from Egypt.  

Proverbs 28:14 warns, "He who hardens his heart falls into trouble."  Unfortunately, the King James Version (KJV) of the Bible translates Pharaoh's actions this way:  "And God hardened Pharaoh's heart..."  The truth is that Pharaoh allowed circumstances to harden his heart.  He made a conscious choice not to heed Moses and Aaron's repeated warnings.  Judas Iscariot also chose to harden his heart against the Master.  We, too, are given choices!  We can either submit to God's Word or we can reject it.  The preached Word hardens or softens men's heart, depending on their choice.  And the more we reject the Word, the more heart-hardened we become.

Jesus touched on this principle in Matthew 19:7-8.  "'Why then,' they [Pharisees] asked, 'did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?'  Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.  But it was not this way from the beginning.'"

In His parable of the sower in Matthew 13, Jesus talks about the different types of ground (hearts) that the seed of God's Word falls on.  Husbands and wives, when in the throes of relational difficulties have a choice.  They choose their own soil condition--hard, rocky, shallow, thorn-infested, or good soil.  Hardened soil does not allow the Word to be sown in our hearts.  "The devil comes along and snatches away what was sown" (verse 19).  Rocky conditions may even receive the Word with joy.  "But since (the individual) has no root, he lasts only a short time.  When trouble comes...because of the Word, he quickly falls away"(verse 20).

Years ago I heard this quote: Marriage is the union of two forgivers.  This is so true!  Life has a way of bringing offenses into all relationships, but none more impacting than our marriages.  Satan loves to destroy Christian marriages.  That's why we need to walk in forgiveness.  Jesus' "seventy times seven" principle must be put into action from the very beginning of all marriages.  He's not relating a mathematical formula as much as He's saying to forgive one another as often as it is necessary.  

Don't let offenses "get on you."  Relinquish your hurts and pain through the power of forgiveness!  I'm convinced that through Christ all things are possible.  Even the worst of scenarios--unfaithful partners, adultery, etc.--can be forgiven.  Christ in us enables us to be "more than conquerors."

I'm not saying these times are easy, but do we really believe what we preach?  I know there are many times extenuating circumstances, but for the most part, God's people have Someone living inside them Who is able to walk us through the darkest of days into the light of God's mercy and forgiveness.

Divorce is a "hot potato" in the church world.  Still, I believe Christian couples should take advantage of every means available to save their troubled marriages.  What a testimony it is for the Lord when struggling couples stand up and give testimony to God's righteous intervention in their homes!  I believe that serving the Lord SHOULD and DOES make a difference in our marriages and homes.

It's time that God's people rise up and say, "ENOUGH!"  In a day when Christian marriages are failing percentage-wise with those of unbelievers, we need to prove to the world that serving Jesus DOES make a difference.  His power is mighty to save, heal and deliver!

What About Online & Match-Making Services?

What do you think about the online dating and match-making services, especially the ones that say they're Christian-oriented?

I think you need to be careful!  Let me tell you why.

Nothing beats relationship building one-on-one, person to person.  Talking to individuals in chat rooms is risky because a lot of people are masters at disguising their true identity and character.  I've personally dealt with two women who chose to go online looking for male companionship, and ended up in serious trouble--lawsuits, bodily threats and harassing calls.  Facebook can be a wonderful tool to keep in touch with past and present friends; however, you need to be careful with whom you connect.  Sadly, the world is full of not-so-nice people.  Online dating and match-making websites may screen applicants, but that still does not insure your total safety.

Let me share several insights about online communication:

1.  Online relationships do not allow for eye contact, voice inflections, accurate spiritual discernment, or body language in general.  You can't REALLY get to know someone through cyberspace (even with Skype, FaceTime or video chat).  The other party can still partially maintain his/her anonymity, or allow you to "see" an extremely edited version of themselves.  You could be addressing a serial killer and not know it!

2.  Unfortunately, the world is full of people who have hidden agendas, impure motives and con artists.  Too much information about you may prove harmful to your mental and emotional health.  Be careful.

3.  Cyber-connecting, online dating and even chatting can be dangerous when an individual relinquishes too much personal information.  Cyber voyeurs are looking for people on which to prey.  Misdirected, angry people all too easily obtain information that could lead to scary results.  Did you hear about the woman in California whose online chat partner learned where she lived, and later robbed and murdered her?  This of course, is the exception, but still such online practices beckon us to be very cautious.

When it comes to online dating sites, I guess it's alright if the site is reputable.  From what I understand, these sites protect anonymity until correct "matches" have been found, and the individuals in question give approval (and credit card information!) before names and personal information are released.  I guess this method of connection is better than bar-hopping!  

Let me suggest Christian singles groups and even churches for singles looking for potential mates.  This of course, is after you have prayed for guidance and God's will in this all-important aspect of your life.  I admit it.  I went to Evangel University for two reasons: (1) to get my degree, and (2) to assist Lori with her M.R.S. degree!  I just didn't know her name when I arrived on campus!

Nothing outweighs the beauty and necessity of eye-to-eye contact.  The Holy Spirit gives us much needed discernment when we are able to look into someone's eyes--in person.  Always be suspicious of someone who cannot look you in the eyes when he/she talks to you.  You may be dealing with shyness, but you could also be dealing with trouble   I've taught for years that the eyes are windows to the soul.  Emails, chat rooms, Facebook, and Twitter all have their place, but if you're looking for a date or more important--a life's mate, you need more than the impersonal venue of cyberspace.

God made us to connect!  We are "body" people and we need to exercise our senses.  I love what John writes about Jesus: "What was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we have looked at and touched with our hands, concerning the Word of life (1 John 1:1)."  Cyberspace provides incomplete, even distorted views.  I know I'm old-fashioned, but I can't imagine marriage proposals made online when two parties have never "heard, seen and touched" in the physical realm.  Yes, I've heard stories about couples finding love online, but I still think it's risky business.

If a Couple is Planning to Marry, What's Wrong With Them Living Together?

"Pastor Roger, if a couple is planning to marry, what's wrong with them living together?  After all, a marriage license is just a piece of paper."

Frankly, this question stems from the fact that America, historically and culturally, has strayed from biblical absolutes.  What does it say to us that even unbelieving couples used to refer to this practice as "shacking up?"  I've been waiting for this question!  First, Christians do not align with cultural norms, but with the Word of God.  The Bible is our authoritative rule for living and conduct.  Let me come at this question from several angles.

1. Marriage is a covenant relationship between two people and God.  You're right, a piece of paper may seal the deal legally, but there's a much deeper principle at work here.  God places much importance on marriage vows.  He is a covenant God and married couples are required to live in covenant.  A covenant, by definition, is an unbreakable agreement between two people.  When couples choose to live together outside of God's covenant plan, what they're saying is "that if things don't work out, we can go our separate ways."  God's original plan was one man for one woman for life.  This is non-negotiable.  That's why it's so important that we marry the right person.
2. The Bible forbids fornication.  What is fornication?  Couples fornicate when they engage in sexual activity before they marry.  I've actually heard couples say, "We're not sleeping together."  Time out!  I was born at night, but not last night!  You cannot convince me that two sexually healthy, hormonally-driven people in love (or lust) are not going to engage in sexual activity, if given the opportunity.  I don't care how spiritual a couple is, they will eventually succumb to their sexual desires.  Get real!  Our fleshly appetites are fierce contenders.  Who are we kidding?  When couples have no accountability or are left alone without fear of interruptions, one or the other (probably both) is going to explore "south of the neckline."  Many promising couples have lost their virtue and testimony in the heat of passion.  God's plan is abstinence until marriage.  Of course, there's forgiveness for failure in this area, but it's better if couples not put themselves in the place to fornicate.  Frankly, perpetual fornicating is listed in the "not-inheriting-the-kingdom" list in 1 Corinthians 6:9.
3. Christians are not to be conformed by this world's standards (Romans 12:1-2).  Promiscuity is rampant in our society.  God still places a high premium on sexual purity.  When I was a teenager, my goal was to remain a virgin until my wedding night.  I formed this strong conviction before I started dating.  First, I did not date anyone I would not want to marry; and second, I did not forfeit my virtue at the expense of a young lady's reputation and trust; and third, I wanted my future wife to trust me after we married.  The enemy often downloads distrust and jealously in the lives of married couples who engage in sexual intercourse before they marry.  Jealousy and distrust are harsh taskmasters!
4. Couples need to understand the reality and power of "soul ties."  There are good and evil soul ties.  By definition, a soul tie is an attachment--physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually with another person.  Affairs usually begin with unhealthy emotional and mental soul ties, which then lead to physical involvement.  Sexual intercourse is much more than two bodies coming together.  It is body, soul and spirit coming together.  Sex outside the marriage covenant invites disaster every time.  The world encourages and applauds multiple sex partners, but God knew that true, healthy marriage relationships flourish only in monogamy.  Couples who live together before their vows are sealed in heaven and before men open themselves up to unhealthy soul ties--especially those who break up.  Sexual intercourse, of course, consummates marriage, and marriages are not apt to survive that have to "live down" countless ungodly soul ties.
5. The Bible says to avoid the very appearance of evil.  Christians march to the beat of a different drummer.  We are the ecclesia, the "called out ones," who have been called out of darkness into His marvelous light.  We live above the pull of sin, the flesh and the devil.  Our morals, values and conduct run opposite to what the world models.  We are a peculiar people, called to walk worthy.  Couples who live together outside the bond of marriage render null and void their Christian testimony.  We are to keep our "vessels unto honor."  It's not about a piece of paper; it's about a holy God Who calls us to a life of holiness.  We must avoid fornication and guard our testimony at all costs.  Believers in Christ are called to live exemplary lives, so as not to frustrate the grace of God.

If you happen to be living with your intended marriage partner at this time, let me encourage you to "move up your wedding date."  God's heart for you is that you walk in obedience to His revealed will and experience His blessings.